Waiting...

Sigh.

Waiting requires patience.

I have very little of this.

I sometimes wish there were an “easy button” for life.

The other night Joy and I were hanging out at Starbucks, and ended up having our handwriting analyzed by a fellow customer hanging out there.

It was SO amazing!

He pegged us both for exactly who we are, just by looking at our handwriting!

It was kind of creepy, actually!

He told me I have slight control issues J

Which, to be honest, I kind of already knew.  Joy tells me all the time that I need to loosen up, not over-think everything and be more spontaneous....

Not sure why I have a hard time doing that.

Is it fear? If it is, then what am I afraid of?

Rejection?

Safety?

Failure?

I don’t like things to go wrong, so I rationalize that "if I don’t take the risk, nothing can go wrong.”

This is a very boxed-in way to live.

Maybe I need to just let go.

I long for freedom from myself.

Sometimes I keep people (okay, let’s be honest-mostly just boys) at arms length because I’m afraid of getting too close, being hurt, or hurting someone else.

But, in reality, isn’t pain a part of life?

There’s really no way to escape it. If you try, you just end up isolating yourself from others, and missing out on some truly great learning experiences.

I’m learning that there has to be pain, for joy to exist. There has to be bad, for good to be recognized. Sometimes we have to fail in order to learn & grow.

I don’t like this concept.

(and, also according to my handwriting analysis, I am a very “black&white” person-don’t like any gray areas)

I’m learning how impatient I am. 

Patience is a fruit that should be produced in a believer’s life by the Holy Spirit of God.

I’ve heard people say “if you ask God for patience, be prepared for Him to give you difficult opportunities to wait.”

This is so true.

We, as humans, have this desire to fix things our way. When we don’t see God’s immediate action, we decide, “Oh, maybe I should go ahead and do this- maybe I can help God carry out His plan this way!”

Example:   Abram and Sarai in the Old Testament.

The Lord told Abram that he would give him offspring as great as the number of the stars. Abram had no children at this point.

His wife Sarai had the brilliant idea to give Abram her servant girl, thinking that maybe The Lord would fulfill His promise of a child through her servant, Hagar.

So, Abram listened to his wife, and took Hagar as his wife also.

She got preggo. Sarai got mad.

What did Sarai expect to happen? Maybe she didn’t expect Hagar to ever actually get pregnant. Or maybe she didn’t expect Hagar to flaunt the pregnancy the way she did.

Sarai blames Abram for the way Hagar starts treating her, and Abram’s like “Leave me out of this, she’s your servant!”

I guess that brilliant little plan of Sarai’s backfired.

A little later, God changes Abram’s name to Abraham, meaning “father of a multitude”, and Sarai’s name to Sarah (meaning “princess”).

Then the couple is visited by some angels who tell Abram that Sarah will get pregnant even though she’s way past the child-bearing season.

Sarah actually laughed when she heard the news.  God responds to her laughter, doubt, and lack of faith by saying, “Is anything too hard for The Lord?”

God eventually fulfilled His promise and gave Sarah her own child, named Isaac.

“Is anything too hard for The Lord?”

I know that the answer to that question is “no”. There is nothing too hard for The Lord.  

He can do ANYTHING.

So why do I stay in my little box of fear and impatience?

(By the way—impatience is a form of fear—and fear is not trusting God.)

When we are impatient and try to do things our way, things just blow up in our face.

How do we balance taking risks, while staying in our place to let God do His thing?

The beauty of all of this is

GRACE.

When I fail, He picks up the pieces.

God makes beauty out of our messes.

How He does this, I have no idea. I just know I’ve seen it, and experienced it myself.

I have seen Him take my failing and falling down, and somehow bring glory to Himself.

I can’t mess up His plan.

I can bring more trouble on myself than necessary with my own sin, but His purpose will be accomplished whether I like it or not.

Let me not rush, Lord.

You are perfect.

Always right on time.

You have good purposes for me.

I will walk with You.

I will trust You.

I will not get ahead of You.

You are my only light.